Stuck in THIS dating hell?

Some version of. . . . .

‘I only seem to be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners and the ones attracted to me are ugly/poor/not my type etc. ‘

Oh. . . I hear you. . .

SO HOW DO YOU TAKE CONTROL OF THIS?

You first have to OWN YOUR PART. . . and no, it’s not any of the following reasons (because this is even what I hear from other coaches and therapists!) I cringe every time. .

* IT’S YOUR FAULT FOR LIKING ‘BAD BOYS/GIRLS’.
* YOU KEEP UNINTENTIONALLY SELECTING YOUR
MOM/DAD
* YOU ARE TOO GIVING/ TRUSTWORTHY/VULNERABLE
ETC.
* MAYBE YOU LIKE THE PROCESS OF FALLING IN LOVE
BUT NOT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
* YOU ARE SICK
* YOU SHOULD JUST BE ALONE AND BE
OKAY WITH THAT
* IF YOU JUST STOP LOOKING FOR LOVE – IT WILL COME
TO YOU!
* YOU SHOULD WAIT ______ DAYS TO CALL/TEXT/ETC.

OKAY, CAN WE JUST BLAME THE VICTIM A BIT MORE HERE?

How about you DO have to own that you DO have this pattern in your life and then that you ACTUALLY DESIRE TO CHANGE IT!

Remember ANY change means doing things differently!

THE SECOND STEP is realizing that you have some UNHEALED parts of your psyche!

HERE ARE FOUR COMMON BLOCKS

1. Subconsciously believing that you do NOT deserve a whole healthy relationship. MANY OF MY CLIENTS, say. .well I am older/divorced/overweight etc. so therefore, I know I won’t find the whole package.

THEN GUESS WHAT? You don’t! You settle for a partial!
(This usually comes in the presentation of emotionally unavailable people)

2. You were conditioned to NOT ASK FOR MUCH.
MANY OF MY CLIENTS are successful adults who grew up with parents who did NOT meet their emotional needs. AND they have unintentionally BOUGHT INTO OUR SOCIETAL MESSAGE OF – BE INDEPENDENT AND DON’T RELY ON ANYBOY!

Do you know we are biologically wired for connection?
WE ARE BEING ASKED TO GO AGAINST OUR BIOLOGY HERE?

3. You had a parent who smothered you and invaded your emotional space. SO ANYTIME SOMEBODY VERBALIZES THEIR VULNERABILITIES TO YOU?

YOU FIND FAULT IN THEM AND RUN!!!!

4. You are living with a DEEP SEATED FEAR OF abandonment. You worry that anybody that you find interesting as a love partner – will leave you. SO, YOU SELF SABOTAGE YOUR WAY TO SINGLEDOM. For the moment, your fears come true and you can avoid your challenge of being VULNERABLE TO OTHERS.

At the end of the day, NO relationship will continue without a willingness to be open-hearted and communicative!

SO YOUR WORK IS TO HEAL!!!! And deeply heal. . .

* Challenge your limiting beliefs from your childhood
* Practice Reiki, Yoga, Massage and heal the energy within
your body
* Forgive yourself for past mistakes and realize they do not
define you.
* Dig deep and delete any of those traumatic memories that
led you to this. Focus on how strong you were vs. how
people did you wrong.
* Have a mentor to keep you on track
* Stay in action – get out there dating and meeting people
* Engage fully with who and what is in front of you
* Practice emotional availability towards others

ANYTHING HERE RESONATE WITH YOU?

XOXOXO

John Gottman, the world renowned researcher of marriage often uses this term, “Bids for Attention”. They are the moments when you reach to your partner and express a need. Maybe it’s a simple need for eye contact or a hug or an ear to listen – but we all do this. Even when we are not consciously aware that we have needs; our behavior might prove otherwise.

 

According to Gottman, in the beginning of a relationship, couples are doing this (hopefully) with high frequency. They are thinking of their new love interest while they are at work, playing golf, hanging with their buddies. . . If chemistry is right – they are almost obsessed with their partner. If all goes as scheduled, our bids are answered. For many of us (particularly those from any background of abuse or neglect) this is a healing process.

 

However, over time more and more bids often go unanswered. People get busy with work, weeding, taking out the recycling, parenting, helping their aging parents, etc. and suddenly it can feel like your bids are met by crickets. Some might even start wondering if they are putting too many bids in? Eventually trust and respect erode.

 

And if there is not the beginning bank of answered bids to draw from – than the relationship crashes and burns. Each partner grows more distant with contempt and searches for bid attempts outside of the marriage.

 

This is a typical development in a long-term relationship with a simple, but not easy way to fix and heal the relationship. Oftentimes, it takes sharing of vulnerabilities, identifying all of the emotions behind the expressed anger/contempt and a fruitful effort to change that feedback loop for the better. It does take effort.

 

However, now, according to Gottman, with the ever increasing stress of the world around us and also our social media obsession;  couples are not even hearing nor answering bids, right from the get-go. People are seen as more and more dispensable. And vulnerability, truth and needs are suppressed because it leaves people feeling too exposed when there is no prior history of bid meeting from their partner. Thoughts might swirl – ‘She expressed needs? That is unacceptable’. or ‘How dare he complain about his job when mine is so much harder?’

In turn, true relationships are never even formed.

Ghosting and Curbing gain in popularity as people are deemed more and more to be temporary objects vs. human beings with hearts.

 

Ask yourself these questions:

How do you meet your partner’s needs?

Do you even know what they are?

How does your partner express his or her needs?

How do you express yours?

Grade the bids for attention in your relationship? Are they met half? All of the time?

 

We are in a crisis of vulnerability people. In order to ace this; you first have to accept that you do in fact have needs. Then, express them. Finally, pay attention to whether your partner is building a bank from the get-go or constantly withdrawing. . . .

 

Cat

xooxoxoxo